As always things have been crazy around here. School starts next week so I am thinking things will have to calm down then. Jaycie starts her full day of school next Thursday, I start back on next Friday night, and I think Max starts the following week.
I’ve decided to do my Sophomore and Junior years together in order to graduate in 2005 rather than 2006. It includes taking 1 or 2 extra classes a trimester, a couple summer classes, and hopefully a couple classes at different (less expensive) colleges. I’m excited to be starting to work on things are of a lot of interest to me. I get to start do fieldwork this trimester as well. Things will be busy but I don’t think they will be too hard.
As for my Grandma, she is still the same. She is eating a little more and is still very sleepy. It’s hard visiting because she will talk for about 5 minutes then want to go back to sleep. It seems a waste to drive an hour for 5 minutes but I just keep thinking it might be the last time I see her. Once school and bowling starts I just won’t have as many opportunities to get to the hospital as I would like. They have her on morphine to help with the pain and everyone started freaking out about it. I still don’t understand why. It seems pretty common to give cancer patients morphine. My family thrives on drama so I am sure that is why they all flipped.

We got some bad news this week. My Grandma is full of cancer. She also has two aneurysms which they can’t do anything about because of the cancer. She was a life time smoker so the cancer part isn’t a huge surprise. The shocking thing is how quickly it developed. The cancer is eating at her spine. It’s also in her lungs but they say that isn’t the primary source of the cancer. They aren’t sure where the primary source is. I am not sure if they are going to try to find the primary source or what. They have decided to do radiation in order to shrink the tumors so it will lessen the pain she is in. She only has 3-6 months to live. They say all the can do at this point is try to keep her as pain free as possible. Up until this point her quality of life has not been that bad so I am sort of relieved that this has happened so suddenly and that she will not have to suffer too long. When I look into her eyes I can tell she knows it won’t be long. She looks sad. She kind of just lays back and watches everyone. When Jaycie and Max go into to visit her she just holds there hands. I hate the thought of knowing that very soon she will not be with us. I can’t imagine the thoughts that are running through her head. My Grandfather died about 20 some years ago and she has wished since his death to be with him again. So finally she will get her wish. The hardest things is that I don’t think she is ready to go. I hurt so much for her. I hurt so much for my Mom. My Mom told me that when my Grandpa died it was the hardest thing she has ever had to deal with. She says this will be worse. She has been my Grandma’s caretaker for the last ten years and when she dies it will be a huge void. The hardest thing about all of this is leaving her every night thinking that she may not be here tomorrow. I just don’t want her to be scared. I just want to make everything better for her. I feel so helpless. I feel so sad when I watch her watch everyone else. It’s like she is already on the outside looking in.

I’ve called my sister who lives an hour away to come and bring the kids and I to the fair. With the heat index so high, I am worried the kids might get sick from the walk. Thankfully she was good about coming all the way out here to get us. I feel so bad but I don’t want to risk the walk with the kids.

I saw this over at easy bake coven and I thought it was pretty cool! The stats change with different spellings.

In other news, heading off to work the DFL booth today at the County Fair from noon to 3. We are suppose to have a heat index of 110 and I have to walk there with both the kids. This turn out to be a very interesting day.

I just had the most heartbreaking conversation with Max. After I put them to bed, I was downstairs reading and I hear Max crying. I go up to find out what he is crying about and he wails that he is scared that I am going to die. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t going to die for a long long time by explaining that my Mom is still alive and so is her Mom. That didn’t help at all. He throws himself into my arms and says he will miss me so much when I die. Of course, I start bawling. He asks me where I will go when I die. I tell him I don’t know that no one really knows until they die. This is way beyond his 4 year old mind. He asks what will happen if he digs me up. I told him that I wouldn’t really be there. He asks if my bones will go to the museum and I say no. He says because they don’t put kids parents bones in the museum. I say right, only dinosaur bones. He cries some more, throws his head into my chest and squeezes me tight. I cry along with him. I tell him that no matter where I am I will always be in his heart. I will always watch over him and Jaycie. I will always be around. He cries. I cry. He asks me if I can come back when I die. I say maybe. He asks, “can you come back just like you are?” I say no. I told him maybe I will be a butterfly or maybe I will be a star in the sky. He says Shirley told him we all become stars when we die. I go with it and say I will be a star. I tell him, “I will be up in the sky looking down at you and You can always see and talk to me up in the sky.” He asks me how will he know which one is me. I tell him that he will know. He will see my star and know that it is me watching him. It seems to calm him. He asks if he can be a star when he dies and I tell him of course. He says he will ask all the stars their names until he finds the right one then we can be together. I am still crying…

Meet Presidential Candidate Congressman Dennis Kucinich

Saturday, August 16th 8:00 pm
Central High School
Corner of Lexington and Marshall, St. Paul

Rally / Fundraiser

The event is FREE. $10 Donation encouraged!
U.S. Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), co-chair of the Progressive Caucus, led opposition in Congress to the Bush Administration

The rest of our weekend was great. The boat cruise was way better than I thought it would be. They had to split us onto two different boats we kind of got the sucky boat but it was still fun. Jaycie and Max had a wonderful time with their grandparents. Jaycie managed to wrangle “Pregnant Barbie” out of her Grandma which she has been wanting for months. So everyone had a great time and we are hoping to do it again soon! It was so nice just to have a small break from life.

We dropped the kids off with Ben’s parent yesterday. After a little bit of sadness, Ben and I had a nice evening out. We went to a movie, did some shopping, and went to our favorite coffee shop. It was nice to be alone together. We haven’t been alone for a long period of time since we went to New York last year. It’s so nice to just be able to do what we want without the restraint of having to worry about the kids. We called to check on them today and they weren’t home but Ben talked to his Dad who said the kids don’t miss us at all. Funny! I knew they would have the time of their life with their Grandma and Grandpa. It’s nice for them to spend time with them since we aren’t able to visit much. Ben’s Mom was giddy with excitement of having the kids all to herself. I never had Grandparents like that. My kids are so lucky to have such involved Grandparents on both sides! Tonight Ben and I are going on a company boat cruise. It should be nice. We get dinner and a three hour boat ride around Lake Minnetonka.