We buried my Grandma yesterday. The wake and the funeral were both very nice. I think my Mom said around 300 people attended. The funeral home did a wonderful job on my Grandma. I swear she looked at least 30 years younger. Tracy, Kelli and I read a poem Jodi wrote during the funeral mass. We were the only ones to get up and read or say anything about my Grandma. My cousin was going to do the eulogy but at the last minute said it would be too hard. Ben said he wished he would have known earlier because he would have gotten up there and said something. I think it is just now sinking in that she is really gone. I’ve been thinking about her all day. I’m having a hard time getting back to reality. I have school this weekend and I am just not up for it. I know I have to go but I just don’t have the energy. Luckily, I got most of my homework done last week and the stuff I don’t have done I will scramble to finish today or tomorrow.

My Dad called me Friday night saying that my Grandma was getting bad. The doctors didn’t think she’d make it through the night. Ben was just getting home from bowling so I woke the kids up, packed a bag and then left. When we got there she was getting oxygen from a face mask. She looked like she dropped 10 pounds since I had seen her on Tuesday. Her color was ok and she was sleeping. She slept the whole night curled up on her side. Tracy and I said she was spooning with my Grandpa Cub. She woke up in the morning and she couldn’t talk much. She kept calling for my Mom. She’d say, “Diane!” then my Mom would go to her side and Grandma would say,”I love you.” My Mom would tell her that she loved her too. Then my Grandma would call for her sister Pearl. She wanted Pearl to hold her hand tight and pray with her. The nurses soon came in to give her morphine and some other drug to help with her breathing. She fell asleep again. At around 5, she woke up and asked for all the kids. She told them all that she loved them. They all hovered on her bed holding her. She told my Mom she was scared. My Mom told her it would be ok. We would be ok. That she didn’t need to be scared because Cub was waiting for her. Pearl told her that she would take care of all of the kids that Grandma didn’t have to worry about them. It was time to let go. Eventually, she fell back to sleep. Around 8, she woke again and was really struggling to breathe. They gave her morphine and the other stuff. She was coughing up stuff. The nurses told Pearl that Grandma didn’t have much time. Less then twelve hours but closer to two. So everyone made the phone calls. We all told Grandma how much we loved her, how good she was and that is was time to stop fighting and just go to Cub. I told her it hurts us more watching her struggle then it would to let her go. At ten, we went for a smoke, as I left the room I told them her eyes are open and that someone should hold her hand because that is what she likes. Tracy went over to her side. My Grandma opened her eyes and looked around the room. Tracy said, “I love you Grandma.” Grandma squeezed her hand and then died.

I started classes last weekend. I can’t say that I am happy to be back but I really like my new classes. Since I am doing sophomore and junior year together I am already resigned to the fact that I will not have a break until 2005. 3 out of 4 of my classes are social work classes. I get to start junior fieldwork so I have to choose at least 3 agency to interview with, then I have to interview with them, then rate my choices and then finally get placed. So I don’t start in the field until sometime in October. My fourth class is a history class Women in America. The instructor is an adjunct so she hasn’t taught much in the weekend format. She’s really structured and quite dramatic which irritates me but I think she will end up being a good teacher once she loosens up. I think she was more nervous then any of the students. I kind of felt sorry for her.
Anyway, so the kids and I are all back in school and life finally seems to be getting back to a more tolerable pace. We are able to stay home at least 3 nights a week and have every other weekend open. I am actually happy summer is over. Now the leaves are starting to turn and it’s getting cooler so I’ll be happy until the snow starts flying!!

Not much is new with my Grandma. She looks so much better now that she is back in the nursing home. For some reason, she didn’t qualify for hospice care. The reason has something to do with a new law that took effect in July. I am sure it is part of the whole budget cut crap. This is like the sixth incident I have heard of about people being affected by these damn budgets cuts. And sadly, I can’t view any of them as positive. I hope things will start changing soon. I hope people will begin to understand the sorry state our Nation is in! (jump off soapbox)
Things are pretty confusing as far as the care my Grandma is going to receive. She won’t have her own medical staff but she will have her own room. The still have her hooked up to the oxygen which I don’t understand either. The hardest part is that there isn’t just one spokesperson for the family. Information is given to a million different people and nobody really seems to know what is going on. Plus, I think my Mom might be losing it. She is telling some people some things and other people something totally different. This whole experience is really bizarre!!!!

My Grandma is being released from the hospital tomorrow. She has refused to continue with her radiation therapy. All she wants to do is leave the hospital so she told them no more radiation. I’m not sure what this means for how much longer she will have to live. I don’t know if she had enough radiation to slow the growth of the tumors or not. I’m not sure if she knows she is dying. She will find out tomorrow when she gets to the hospice room at the nursing home. My Mom said that they will begin to prepare her for death. I’m not sure what that means but is sounds horrible. How can you ever be prepared for death? I’m nervous about her going into the hospice care I am afraid of how my Grandma is going to react to that. I can’t help thinking that if they told her in the beginning that she was dying and that the radiation would help prolong her life then she would not have opted out of the therapy. I feel like they might have robbed her of being able to make an informed decision. I suppose it is not my place to say anything to them but I feel like they didn’t give her all the information she needed.

Jaycie started school today. I can’t believe she is in kindergarten. Everyone always says how times flies and that they are not little for long. It’s so true! I feel like it was just yesterday that she was toddling around saying “Hi” to everyone with her saliva soaked shirt. She was such a little cutie. Well, of course, she still is but it’s a different sort of cute. It was an amazing experience watching her climb that bus all by herself. Up until now, her life has been her family. Now, in a way she will begin to have a life of her own. There will be things that happen that I won’t know about. There will be big and little things that will happen to her that will shape the person she becomes. I am sad that we will not be her everything. I know. I know. I am acting like she has gone away to college!!!! Ugh! I don’t even want to think about that!

Max will start back at preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to have 2 1/2 hours to myself on some days. I won’t know what to do with myself. Wow! No fighting! No constant asking for snacks! No crying! No kids shows! No Mommy…Mommy….Mommy!!!!!!!! Just 2 1/2 hours of peace and quiet!!!