Ben and I made it to the wake last night, but just barely. There was hardly anyone there, so I didn’t get to find any more out about what happened. I was hoping to see Betty or someone, but nothing. His body wasn’t there because he is being cremated. I don’t like not knowing what happened, but it seems like he may have been ill or something. It was at Horan. Dan’s was there too. I always hate going to that funeral home because that is the one that Jill was at. Yuck! It makes me shake just thinking about it.

I just found out that a friend from high school passed away over the weekend. Ben and I are heading back for the wake. I’m a little freaked out by the whole thing.

So my world seems like it is crashing down on me. I have about 5 months of school left and I am freaking out because I am not sure I am doing the right thing. I know that social work is what I want to do, but I think I have been pursuing the wrong avenue. I went to talk to one of my favorite professors and she helped me put some things into perspective. I have been having a horrible time at my internship. So she advised me to remember this is a learning experience and take from it what I can. She also said that I am idealistic which is fine, but I have to get tougher skin. I take everything to heart and I can’t always do everything.

Also, I have had a few awful experiences with people who are big in the public policy arena who have made my skin crawl. I’m so disgusted by the gross imbalances in power. I know that stuff goes on behind the scene and all, but I have never had an explicit example. If what I learned yesterday actually comes true, I think I might vomit. I don’t like it that people who happen to have the right connections can influence policy easier than the common person. I know this is idealistic, but I really thought grass roots organizing was a way to make change. However, I now realize that changes from the grass roots level are a rarity. You have to have the right group of people, the right issue at exactly the right time to make anything happen. It just sickens me that the people with the money and the power can influence and make change just by writing memo and that the “others” must work their asses off just trying to be heard.

Ugh! I don’t know what to do. I may have to change my grad school options. I am pretty sure I don’t want to do anything in public policy. I just might go the clinical route. Who knows…